Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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