I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
try to milk me bitch
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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