My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
