I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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