Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
