You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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