Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
whose parrot is this?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
