I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
