i just wanna soil my oats bro
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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