just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
