your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
