You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
