Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
