i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Who died my cat blue again?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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