you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
