Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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