dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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