Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
