a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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