I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize