The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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