Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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