If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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