If i could tip my vagina, i would.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
