I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
