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I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I puked a lego.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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