He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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