No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
