and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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