I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize