When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
