I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
