it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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