I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
sarcasm needs its own font
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
