just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
