then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
my liver is dry heaving
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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