I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
