You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
