i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
