if i can run in heels then i can drive
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
