You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
