there's paper in my vomit.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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