I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
