At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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