last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
