At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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