His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
