Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
