the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Farmville is her only friend.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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