dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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