i can't believe i had my finger in that
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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