dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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