she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's blow job season.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
