we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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