Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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