he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
