My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
